Friday, June 5, 2009

so... I sit during my allotted lunch break, perusing the blogs I frequent, noticing no new posts... so I write my own!

In periods of emotional distress or personal hardship, I find that I become less inclined to be creative or artistic, if you will.

Now, I wasn't always like this. Over the years I have learned to go into a sort of "survival mode" as a means to focus on the necessary rather than becoming too bogged down in the doldrums and the dreaded self-pity. Don't get me wrong, faithful viewer... I do have those flashes, but one must maintain a brave face and accept what is rather than pine for what cannot be.

I recall the days of my youth long past (lol) when during a stage of distress I would retreat to my sketchbooks or paints... I would pour out all that was affecting me in some form or another. Looking back on my work from high-school and early college, I see a panorama of the turmoils of my youthful angst, a monument to my early forays into love and emotion all the time while doing this, I attempt to ignore the lower skill level and focus more on the content contained therein... seriously, I am aghast at some work that I was once so proud of ;)

I miss those days when I was able to so acutely define in image my feelings... nowadays, though I feel my skill level has improved a bit, I feel like my work is just an example of my skill and not a manifestation of my soul; conversely this might not be a bad thing, because if I am drawing at least I am staying practiced, but the problem is that lately ... I have not been drawing.

again, I suspect it is as a result of my "going to ground" but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. The good news is that somewhere along the line, in a slow, meandering, subtle, and gradual pace... I LEARNED to shut down... so that means I can UNLEARN this behavior, as well! RIGHT?!

Well... no. I mean, I can... but why in heck would I want to relearn all of the foolish angst of my youth that I have striven to learn and grow up from? BUT there are aspects (such as the connection of my art to my emotions) that I would like to repair, relearn, cultivate.

Now, I consider myself a person who has a pretty good grasp on how he feels about things (numb, mostly ;) but seriously; I may have my issues (then again, who doesn't?) but I say what I mean and I do what I say... I am just having a hard time drawing what I feel.

There is an idea for a painting that I have had for months, if not years, and I seem to keep getting closer; but I am having a hard time executing it. I need to paint it. ahhh... maybe this weekend.

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